100 Posts in 100 Days
In the last few installments of 100 Posts in 100 Days, I have written about my own experiences with feedback that is used. First, I shared the impact of various 360 survey tools, followed by how a series of anecdotal compliments revealed a pattern of behavior that I have come to value can continue cultivating.
In today’s post, I’ll share another example of how a series of comments has become a pattern worthy of reflection and what I’m taking away from it. In this case, it’s not a series of compliments, but a series of comments that I consider constructive anecdotal feedback.
I have long believed that effective listening is one of the most important leadership skills anyone can develop. Effective listening encompasses a wide array of skills and mindsets and much has been published on the topic. Here is a sample checklist of effective listening skills from Jim Knight and the Instructional Coaching Group. While this list is designed for individual coaching conversations, many of the ideas are transferable other types of individual conversations and to leading groups.
In addition to the items on the checklist, a specific strategy that I learned years ago in Cognitive CoachingSM (see posts 22 & 23) was the “listening set aside”. The idea of the listening set aside is to suspend autobiographical listening, or turning the conversation to be about yourself. One way I implement this in practice is to let the storytelling and reflecting of the person I am coaching take precedence over my reactions. I try to refrain from telling stories about me and my experience.
Another way I practice the listening set aside connects to the checklist item “am non-judgmental”. I try to express a lack of judgment by remaining conscious of my body language and facial expressions. I demonstrate active listening by leaning in, nodding, maintaining eye contact (though I know this is cultural), and ensuring the other person is doing more of the talking. Simultaneously, I attempt to refrain from dramatic reactions that could convey surprise, confusion, disappointment, or other forms of judgment.
These practices are worthwhile and effective strategies. But, taken too far, they can become a hindrance. Which leads me to the pattern of feedback that I have received over the years. I know it’s an important pattern to pay attention to because it has come from colleagues who work for me, from colleagues who work with me, from friend-colleagues in my own professional learning networks, from friends, and from family members. In essence, the feedback has been, “You are hard to read and I’m not sure where I stand.” At times, I can make people feel off balance and uncertain of what they might do or say next.
How do I make sense of that feedback and use it in ways that can improve my interactions with other people?
Currently, I’m thinking of it as a paradox and trying to approach it as a tension to be managed:
On the one hand, I want to focus on others’ messages, centering their stories and experiences
On the other hand, I want to make connections and build relationships with the people I work with
On the one hand, I want to foster an environment of psychological and emotional safety by creating a space characterized by calmness and acceptance
On the other hand, I want to express my own humanity, vulnerability, and relatability
On the one hand, I want my professional conversations to remain professional and productive (after all, I’m not a therapist)
On the other hand, I really do want to know about the lives of the people I work with and I also want to be known by them
The feedback I have received on this topic has helped me to become more conscious of how I listen and how I contribute in different situations. Sometimes, I actively practice listening set-asides, sometimes I temper them, and sometimes, I don’t use them. A couple of ways I manage the tensions and show up in conversations include:
- Being clear about my purpose(s) in an interaction, which is not so different from what I wrote in this post about how to talk about the work. For example, if I’m engaged with an individual or group about “their work”, I’m much more likely to hold myself to the listening set asides, keeping my own opinions out of the conversation. Instead of injecting my own thoughts, I will paraphrase, ask questions, and reflect their work back to them. However, if I’m engaged in more collaborative interactions about “our work”, I will still paraphrase and ask questions but I will also offer my perspectives and my connections more readily than I used to.
- Acknowledging emotion and experiences is another way I have found to manage this paradox. Naming an emotion or experience does not mean that it will change, but it does convey understanding and empathy, which helps to establish and maintain relationships. For example, this year teachers in our school participated in a professional learning course that took them out of their classroom for 9 days spread out over 10 weeks. On the first classroom release day, I stood in front of each group and shared, “We know that 9 days out of your classroom is a commitment on your part and it is not easy. We recognize that you are away from your students and you are writing plans for your absences. For our part, our team commits to doing our best to make this a valuable use of your time and we will ask for your feedback each day to help us improve. We aspire to make this as meaningful as possible for you.” I hope this statement communicated empathy and mutuality ~ that we would be working together to achieve the best possible outcome.
Feedback comes in many forms and prompts any number of feelings and actions. I certainly wasn’t excited to learn that I can be hard to read, but it has been important for me to reflect upon. I was being told that if I take the concept of “listening set aside” too far, I run the risk of creating unstable situations, poor communication, and weak connections with others. I am choosing to take the feedback constructively and be more conscious of all of my listening habits.